Mommy, Why Don't I Look Like You?
Obviously, an adopted child of another race is going to look different from her adoptive parents. But, as parents, we have to make looking different OK. This article from the Chao Ban Newsletter for Vietnam Adoption suggests ways to address differences in race with your child.
It is Okay to Look Asian
What can we do to make it OK not to look like your parents? Let's start with the obvious: hair, eyes, and skin color. While brushing your child's hair, compliment them on the coloring, their hair cut, and how straight it is. Find something about their hair that you wish your own would do, like lie down flat and not be wavy. My eyes are light blue. When in the sun and squinting wildly, I like to compliment my Asian kids on their brown eyes. I wish out loud that I want brown eyes like theirs so the sun wouldn't bother me so much.
Skin coloring seems to be the biggest factor in racial differences. My three Vietnamese kids can tan like nobodies business! In my kid's neighborhood school, only 5% of the children are non-white. Obviously my Vietnamese kids stand out. They are often questioned by other children why their skin coloring is so dark. A technical answer is "I have more melanin in my skin than you, and that is why my skin is darker." But that might be hard for an embarrassed first grader to remember. A simpler answer could be the truth. "I have a better tan than you, because I am from Vietnam."
To build your child's self esteem, it is important to take care of their skin. While I wish out loud that I could tan like my Asian kids, don't let that beautiful tan fool you. I have two little boys who insist on no suntan lotion, because they are Vietnamese and will just tan. Last summer, I let them get away with this. Boy was that a big mistake! By the end of the summer the kids had the worst eczema around their noses and behind their ears. While it's important to compliment their beautiful tans, keep the suntan lotion handy.
Bi-racial Families
It is also very helpful for your children to know other biracial families like your own. The most obvious solution is to belong to a Vietnamese or international adoption group like Families with Children from Vietnam. This way your child can see families just like their own. It makes your family seem more "normal" in the eyes of your child. It is also important for the parents to seek out other biracial families, or people of color to be friends with. This lets your child know it's OK not to be white and that you value people of other races.
One of the easiest ways to head off confusion of not looking like your parents in new situations is to make it a habit to introduce your child and yourself. For example, each time your child starts a new school year or joins a new sports team, don't make room for confusion. Walk your child and yourself right up to the teacher or coach and introduce yourself. Say something like: "Hello. This is my son Tommy, and I am his mother." Now everything is out in the open, and later on, hopefully your child won't be confronted on "That's your mother? What?"
Asian Role Models
One of the most important factors in making it OK to look different from your parents is to provide your child with Asian role models. Vietnam is a very small country, so we fudge a little and consider all Asians when finding good role models. When given a chance, I choose good doctors in our community who are Asians. Our kids have an Asian dentist, eye doctor, and gastroenterologist.
More examples of Chao Ban Vietnam Adoption Newsletter articles